Signs of Codependency in Relationships
"Codependency" is a term that often gets tossed around flippantly. In truth, it's a dysfunctional relationship pattern with clear patterns and roles that create a power imbalance.
In codependent relationships, one person tends to give in excess while the other takes in excess. The giver may focus all of their time and energy on the other person to the point that it becomes a detriment to their own wellbeing and their needs aren't met. The taker on the other hand will consciously or subconsciously take advantage of this to get their own needs and desires met.
This is often seen in relationships where substance abuse is involved, but can occur without substance abuse, too.
That said, let's look at some signs of codependency in relationships.
Signs of Codependency
People Pleasing
It's perfectly normal to want your loved ones to be happy and fulfilled. However, it becomes a problem when you feel you have no choice but to keep others happy. You may feel responsible for others' emotions, experiences and reactions. You may also have a hard time saying no for fear that others will get mad at you or that you will be failing them.
Over time, this leads you to ignore your own wants and needs in order to meet others' and you may feel like taking time for yourself is selfish.
Lack of Boundaries
Boundaries are critical in all relationships. It's how we keep ourselves safe and prevent others from taking advantage of us. In codependent relationships, there's often a lack of boundaries. Both parties tend to have trouble setting and recognizing boundaries.
Typically, the taker doesn't recognize boundaries while the giver doesn't enforce them. This allows one person to be controlling or manipulative while the other remains compliant.
Low Self-Esteem
Usually both parties in a codependent relationship have poor self-esteem. The difference is in how they display it. The giver often needs the approval of the taker or needs to be of service to them; they may believe they can change the other person if they just try harder. And the taker needs validation in the form of exerting a sense of control, usually out of fear that the other person will leave and feeling secretly insecure for having to rely on another.
Trouble With Independence
In codependent relationships, there's often anxiety about being apart. You might check your phone constantly or demand the other person turn on their read receipts. You may even concoct the worst scenarios in your head if you don't hear from the other person often enough.
When you're reliant on the other person for satisfaction, you may constantly feel a visceral need reach out to them and struggle to spend any time alone. Putting all your focus on the other person helps you avoid thinking about bothersome thoughts.
Outside Interactions Decrease
It's common for people in codependent relationships to frequently cancel plans with friends in order to spend even more time with their codependent half. They may make so much room for this person in their life that they neglect important outside relationships with friends and family.
This is a form of enmeshment that prevents connection with others and diminishes self-identity.
Breaking the Cycle
First and foremost, codependency isn't inherently a choice. It is something that occurs based on our personal past and how we were raised. It doesn't make you a bad person. That said, it's not a healthy connection to have with someone. The good news is, you can address it.
Overcoming codependency starts with internal work. In therapy you can identify where your codependent tendencies stem from so you can work on healing, from learning to set healthy boundaries to building self-esteem. Reach out today to learn how to get started with codependency therapy.