Codependency Therapy
"It's up to you today to start making healthy choices. Not choices that are just healthy for your body, but healthy for your mind." -Steve Maraboli
Do You Have Difficulty Setting Boundaries?
Do other peoples’ problems often become your main concern and focus? If you have a family member with an addiction issue, do you fear you may be enabling their destructive behavior? Or maybe you realize that by going along with the choices that were made for you by others, you now feel dissatisfied and unfulfilled?
Although the terms “people-pleaser” or “going with the flow” don’t necessarily sound like bad things, continuously putting others’ needs ahead of your own can lead to anxiety and distress. Perhaps you’ve always tended to seek external approval or had an insatiable need to be liked at all costs.
To be accommodating and easygoing, you may have allowed other people to make important decisions for you throughout your life. But if you’ve never figured out what your true desires are without someone else’s influence, you might be reckoning with an identity crisis.
You Might Feel Taken Advantage Of By Loved Ones
The tribulations of a family member with addiction or other mental health issues could be putting a strain on your relationship. Although you love them unconditionally, you might feel like you’re being manipulated or being taken advantage of by them.
Trying to help them without enabling their addiction can be hard to navigate. It might be difficult for you to focus on your own life when you are consumed with how to make things better for them. Your preoccupation with their welfare may be exhausting you and driving a wedge between you and other loved ones.
If only somehow you could learn not to care so much about what others thought or stop fixating on an addicted family member’s behavior. Fortunately, codependency counseling can help you establish healthy boundaries within your relationships and learn to say no without feeling like doing so will alienate you from your loved ones.
Codependency Can Arise When Addiction Is Involved
Codependency is defined as “a psychological condition or a relationship in which a person manifesting low self-esteem and a strong desire for approval has an unhealthy attachment to another often controlling or manipulative person (such as a person with an addiction to alcohol or drugs).” It’s easy to recognize how easily codependency can develop when dealing with an addicted family member. When we want so desperately to support our loved one but don’t know the difference between helping them or enabling them, we can unknowingly slip into a cycle of codependency.
Driven by a fear that something bad will happen if we don’t give in to their demands, we might concede to things that unwittingly perpetuate the problems our loved one is having. With codependency, we might try to take control and “fix” things, not realizing that we’ve lost all perspective of the situation. The amount of influence we believe we have over their life has become distorted due to a lack of clear boundaries.
We May Have Developed Codependent Traits At An Early Age
For many of us, codependency has been a part of our personality for as long as we can remember. As children, we may have developed a fear of being left out, rejected, or not loved for who we are. If we suffered from low self-esteem and weren’t assertive, we may have adopted people-pleasing behavior as a way of making up for a lack of confidence. Now as adults, we don’t know how to set boundaries with those who take advantage of us.
Treatment can help you identify what codependent behavior is and how the choices you make that perpetuate this unhealthy dynamic. In therapy, you will recognize how codependency perpetuates a no-win situation and learn effective ways of breaking the cycle.
With Therapy For Codependency, You Learn To Put Yourself First
As a therapist with experience working with families who are dealing with addiction, I understand the dynamics of codependency. You likely feel anxious or depressed because you fear that anything you do to help your loved one is the wrong choice.
Codependency therapy is time you can dedicate to your own needs first and foremost. By putting yourself first and getting comfortable with saying "no" without apology or explanation, codependency counseling will help you build self-esteem and gain insight into what your desires and goals are. Along the way, you will learn the difference between assertive and passive-aggressive communication as well as how to effectively implement boundaries and apply them in your daily life.
What To Expect In Sessions
Initially, we will identify what your values are and determine if your lifestyle is in alignment with your hopes and dreams. By focusing on your strengths and accomplishments, you will gain an appreciation of your self-worth and focus on yourself rather than others. In the process of re-examining who you are and what matters most to you, you will learn the importance of boundaries and assertive communication patterns. We might also explore your history to determine where codependent tendencies originated.
Prioritizing self-care—not to be confused with self-improvement—is an important component of codependency therapy. Making time for yourself to enjoy simple things with no agenda to “work on yourself,” like taking a walk, bubble bath, or journaling, can help you relax, reduce anxiety, and boost self-esteem.
CBT For Codependency
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is a particularly effective treatment for breaking the cycle of codependency. Common beliefs that drive codependent behavior are, “If I don’t do this thing for someone, they won’t like me anymore,” or “If I try harder, I can fix my loved one’s problem for them.” By challenging the beliefs that do not reflect reality, you will begin to recognize when flawed thinking keeps you stuck in behaviors that benefit neither yourself nor others. Additionally, you will learn grounding and mindfulness-based skills to help you self-soothe and reduce anxious thoughts about what may happen in the future.
You can take control back of your life and put yourself first, while still maintaining a relationship with your loved one. By learning to make different choices, you can shift the dynamic of codependency so that you are no longer the "doormat" and instead can offer healthy support.
But Maybe You’re Not Sure If Codependency Therapy Is Right For You…
If I have a family member with a substance abuse issue, can they receive individual counseling while I attend therapy for codependency separately?
It is in the best interest of your family member that they receive treatment from a care provider who can appropriately evaluate their addiction and perform a drug screening. I would be happy to provide you with a referral. As a therapist specializing in codependency, I can help you or other family members learn, practice, and develop appropriate assertive skills. By improving boundary-setting and communication, you can be assured that you are no longer enabling your loved one.
I’m being told by family members that since I’m not the one with the addiction, there’s no reason I should go to therapy.
Commonly, some family members will grow insecure when they find that you are seeking codependency therapy. They may not like the idea of you changing your behaviors and disrupting the status quo, especially if the current circumstances are working to their advantage. However, the fact that you recognize you’re struggling and something needs to change is the assurance you need you’re doing the right thing. Attending codependency therapy—either individually or perhaps with a co-parent—could benefit you significantly.
I worry that by practicing “tough love,” I’ll alienate my loved one.
There is a difference between practicing “tough love” and being able to assert yourself by setting healthy boundaries. Sometimes saying “no” is the healthiest form of self-care. It’s important to remember that we all make choices no matter how easy, fun, hard, or challenging those choices may be. However, sometimes, the harder choices we make will yield the most positive outcome and result.
Set Healthy Boundaries With Your Loved Ones
With a commitment to therapy, recovery from codependency is possible. If you would like to find out more about codependency therapy with me, you can call 716-817-0599, email me at lisamann@nyslmhc.com, or visit my contact page.
Recent Blog Posts
