Couples Therapy
"All progress takes place outside the comfort zone." - Michael John Babak
Is Your Relationship In Trouble?
Has communication between you and your partner broken down? Are you lacking emotional connection and physical intimacy? Have you already tried everything to improve your relationship on your own and been considering couples therapy as the next step?
Looking back, you might have a hard time pinpointing when your relationship began to falter. Perhaps it was after you had kids or when one—or both—of you started a demanding job. Now it may seem like most of your conversations lead to arguments and that you no longer feel heard by your partner. If the way you communicate commonly leads to conflict, it might leave you feeling lonely, defensive, and isolated, as if nothing you do is ever right.
A Lack Of Communication Creates Disconnection That Can Lead To Other Problems
If you have become emotionally distant from each other, it may be leading to other issues, such as a decrease in sex and intimacy, spending more time apart, and perhaps even infidelity. As you drift further apart, you may be feeling anxious and depressed, uncertain of where your relationship is headed.
You may have tried to repair the damage on your own only to end up stuck in the same patterns of poor communication and hurt feelings. Even though you both agree you want to save your relationship, if you’ve never tried couples therapy before, you may be nervous about what it entails and wonder whether it will work.
Couples therapy offers you a safe and supportive place to examine your relationship objectively with the help of an unbiased counselor who can guide you toward solutions. With marriage counseling that utilizes the Gottman Method, you will learn evidence-based techniques to improve communication that can help you stop pushing away from each other and put each other first again.
Many Of Us Struggle To Maintain Healthy Romantic Partnerships
Unfortunately, it’s very common for committed relationships to face challenges. In instances when our problems become insurmountable, we may eventually seek separation or divorce. Some of the primary reasons for dissolution include marrying too young, infidelity, financial problems, and continual arguments and conflict.
Whereas some conflicts are solvable, it is estimated that approximately 69 percent of the problems present in our relationships are perpetual. Perpetual problems are grounded in fundamental differences that will never be resolved—such as opposing personality traits, beliefs, or perspectives. But rather than allowing them to become irreconcilable stumbling blocks in our relationships, it’s possible to learn how to compromise and cope with perpetual problems in healthier ways.
The Way We Use Technology Can Negatively Impact Our Relationship
Ironically, the advancement of “Smartphone Culture” has led to a breakdown in communication, especially with our partners. Because we are constantly distracted by our phones and often choose to text each other instead of talk, our technology may unwittingly be downgrading how we communicate. Texting can lead to misunderstandings that leave us hurt and out of step with each other.
What’s more, our phones are a portal to a host of distractions like social media scrolling, shopping, porn, and gambling—all of which can have devastating impacts on our relationships. Without intervention, an ongoing lack of effective communication can create emotional distance which, in turn, can eventually lead to separation or divorce.
Although divorce statistics remain high, this doesn't mean that breaking up is your only option. With a commitment to couples therapy, you can learn how to turn your marriage around and rediscover emotional connection. Just like anything worthwhile, the more work you put into couples counseling, the more results you will get out of it.
Couples Therapy Can Strengthen Your Bond
Trying to repair your relationship on your own can be challenging. Even though you want things to change, without guidance and support, you may return to your old routines—like arguing over superficial things but never sharing why you’re actually upset— and not make any progress.
Couples therapy allows you to express yourself in a safe environment that is free from the distractions of your everyday life. With the help of a licensed professional with marital counseling training, you will have access to an unbiased professional who will listen to both sides and evaluate your strengths and vulnerabilities as a couple. Each of you will be validated, challenged, and supported while also learning effective skills and techniques to improve communication. Applying these skills both in and out of sessions is a crucial part of marriage therapy and the best way to ensure that positive change will happen.
What To Expect In Sessions
For marriage counseling to be successful, gathering valuable information on the front end is key. In our initial therapy session together, we will assess your history as a couple. Afterward, each of you will individually complete a questionnaire outside of our session through the Gottman Connect website. This questionnaire will assess your strengths and weakness as a couple and help us identify what areas to focus on in therapy. After meeting with each of you individually, we will reconvene for a final assessment session to review the results of the questionnaire before getting underway with couples counseling.
Exploring your individual values, goals, and perspectives as well as your communication styles allows for a better understanding of what aspects of your relationship may be failing, in conflict, or being neglected—whether intentionally or not. Once we understand what your challenges are, we will then identify and practice the appropriate exercises that can help you find solutions. Not only will you learn the underlying reasons why your communication may be problematic, but the exercises I prescribe will model healthy communication styles you can use moving forward.
The Gottman Method For Couples Counseling
I utilize the Gottman Method to help you learn effective tools to deepen friendship and intimacy.[1] This method of couples therapy will help you discern between resolvable problems and perpetual issues so that you can better manage common conflicts as well as open up a productive dialogue about issues where you may be continuously gridlocked.
The Gottman Method offers a variety of interventions that will be selected based on your unique needs. Some examples include learning the Four Horseman of communication styles—criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling—as well as their antidotes. We might also focus on taking responsibility, sharing fondness and admiration, and learning self-soothing skills when you become emotionally flooded. You will also learn how to regulate conflict by practicing the Gottman-Rapoport exercise.
Couples therapy is how you learn to listen more attentively, express your feelings, and be more present with each other. If you think your relationship could be improved with counseling, there’s no reason to put off couples counseling.
But Maybe You’re Not Sure If Couples Therapy Is Right For You…
How long does couples counseling usually take?
Because every couple is different, the length and frequency of marital counseling sessions will vary. After the assessment process, I can provide you with a recommendation for the frequency of couples therapy, but it is ultimately up to you what works best and fits into your schedule. Although couples can attend counseling for as long or as little as they deem helpful, I typically recommend more frequent sessions in the beginning—usually weekly or every other week—to ensure that you commit to the process and make progress.
What if only one of us is open to couples therapy?
For best results, it’s important that both of you be on board with trying couples counseling. Although one of you might be ambivalent about the effectiveness of marriage therapy, you should at least be receptive to working on change. However, if one of you is trying to force the other to enter into marital counseling against their will, it will not be very effective.
Is there a possibility you may recommend that we get divorced?
As a licensed therapist who works with couples, I aim to remain neutral and not give advice. Rather, my role in couples counseling is to help identify the strengths and weaknesses in your relationship and, through better communication, help you make improvements and nurture intimacy. Separation or divorce is not a recommendation that I will make in counseling. However, if this is a decision that you arrive upon on your own and mutually agree is the best path forward, then therapy would end at that point.
All Couples Can Benefit From Counseling
If you are ready to find resolution to the arguing and restore connection, there’s no reason to delay receiving the unbiased and compassionate support marriage counseling offers. If you would like to find out more about couples therapy with me, you may call 716-817-0599, email me at lisamann@nyslmhc.com, or visit my contact page.
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