Why Does Grief Come in Waves?

Grieving is a complicated process. At times it can feel like one step forward, two steps back. One moment, you notice you're feeling better and the next, something reminds you of your loss and you're sad again. Then, it recedes again for a little while. This wavelike recurrence can make it feel like you'll never find your footing.

But the truth is: grief is rarely a straightforward process—and that's okay. There will be dips and rises, ebbs and flows. Understanding the come-and-go of grief can help you process the experience and move forward.

Why does grief tend to come in "waves" in the first place?

There are a few reasons grief tends to come and go in waves.

For starters, it's a lot to process. Our brains are amazing and do some pretty cool stuff for us, but they're not infallible. Grief is an incredibly heavy and complicated emotional experience. Our brain can only process so much at a time and grief tends to throw a lot at you at once.

It's also hard to accept a sudden change in our reality. We are creatures of habit and experience a sudden upending in our comfortable routine is jarring. With loss, it can feel like suddenly losing a limb. For awhile, you forget that it's missing, and when you remember, it's all the more upsetting.

Another reason grief tends to come in waves is because triggers are everywhere. Even the smallest trigger can inspire another wave of grief. The trouble is, it's pretty hard to avoid these triggers and attempting to do so will actually cause more long-term problems. Memory is a funny thing and seeing something that reminds you of your loss brings all those grieving behaviors to the forefront.

These behaviors may include:

●      Trouble sleeping

●      Changes in weight or appetite

●      Social withdrawal

●      Vivid dreams

●      Restlessness

●      Carrying reminders or tokens on your person

●      Visiting places that remind you of your loss

How do I ready myself for the next wave?

Unfortunately, there is no real way to predict when the next wave of grief will come. It could come at any time. It's understandable that you would want to predict it so you can be prepared. However, you'll only be creating a pattern for anxiety and hypervigilance to take hold.

What's important to remember is that time plays a critical role in grief. Over time, those waves will become smaller and less distressing. There will be a point where they don't come as often as they once did.

It's also important to remember that grief is an incredibly personal experience, so what worked for someone else may not work for you. It's a matter of exploring what makes you feel most supported. Some coping mechanisms you could try are:

●      Journaling

●      Exploring spirituality

●      Reading books

●      Talking to a therapist

Allow yourself to mourn.

One common response with mourning is to simply avoid it because facing it seems too painful. However, it's a critical step in the grieving process. This is when you accept the loss so you can process the pain. As you work through it, you'll begin to adjust to your new reality until you reach a point where you can look upon your loss from the perspective of fond memories.

Loss is never easy and it's something that will stay with you forever. However, that doesn't mean it will always feel as painful as it does when it's fresh. It may not be an enjoyable process, but letting go of control and allowing a natural grief process—waves and all—will help you heal and prevent delayed grief.

If you're having trouble coping with grief, please don't hesitate to reach out. We can walk this path together through grief counseling.