Turning Toward Your Partner
Every single interaction that we have with our partner, whether it is behavioral, verbal or non-verbal, counts either in “turning toward” or “turning away” from our partner. This is a concept developed by John and Julie Gottman and is often discussed in couples therapy with a Gottman Therapy approach. We oftentimes don’t even realize that we are “turning toward” or “turning away” from our partner in our responses, but subconsciously we keep track of these reactions (or lack thereof), through what we refer to as an “emotional bank account.”
Let’s discuss an example of what this may look like. Have you ever tried talking to your partner while they were distracted by another activity? Maybe they are on their phone, scrolling away, or even watching TV mindlessly? Maybe you were excited to tell them about a part of your day and couldn’t wait to see their reaction, or maybe even vent about your day looking for some support or validation, which would also give you that sense of comfort and closeness. Instead, you share that part of your day with your partner and they continue to scroll their phone or maybe they don’t even look up from the TV. Instead they respond with that same old response that you have learned to despise, “Uh-huh….” This response creates a larger deficit in that emotional bank account.
Does this sound like a familiar situation? Unfortunately, there are many distractions that take the attention away from our ability to maintain closeness with our partner. The example above depicts what “turning away” from your partner looks like. When your partner is looking to confide in you and share their feelings, or even turn to you for support, and instead we remain distracted by other things, we are subconsciously showing our partner that they are not as important as whatever we are watching on TV or even looking at on our phone. A simple solution to this would have been putting our phone down or shutting the TV off and listening. By giving our partner our undivided attention, it shows our partner that they are the most important priority in that moment. Body language is also very important. Maintaining eye contact provides stronger connection. Validation can help when our partner turns toward us to vent. Being able to share in our partner’s emotions without necessarily trying to “fix” the issue will have a profound impact and build stronger connections. It will also add to that emotional bank account, instead of taking away.
Using Communication When “Turning Toward” is More Challenging
There are times, however, where maybe we are unable to pull ourselves away from the computer or whatever distracting activity we may be engaged in. This doesn’t necessarily mean that we can’t still “turn toward” our partner versus “turn away” from them. In times like this it’s most important to pull from our bag of communication skills. Maybe you have a deadline to meet and are finishing up a report when your partner comes home stressed out and eager to ask your advice on a current work problem. In this predicament you can take a minute to acknowledge your partner, by maintaining eye contact, showing validating concern, of how stressful their day must have been and how it’s important for you to discuss this with them. You then further explain that you would like to discuss it fully as soon as you are done with your work task, so that you can finish your time sensitive work deadline and then give them your full attention. Although this may not be ideal, it is still an act of “turning toward” your partner by effectively expressing the importance of both activities for you. This helps your partner feel acknowledged and more importantly not dismissed by the regular “un-huh” response.
Taking a little bit of extra time to communicate, decrease distractions, increase eye contact, validation and even asking more questions, shows interest and that you care. Turning toward increases the emotional bank account. Turning away decreases the emotional bank account. Every interaction we engage in counts toward one or the other. Being more mindful of this concept moving forward can significantly help your relationship.